I've come to terms with infinite recursion.
I've come to terms with reality existing as a vision of a vision of a vision of a vision of a...
Life's images can be mapped one-to-one to a number with infinite digits in an infinite number of combinations.
The observer observes the observer observing the observer... There are only outward observations.
There is no root!
I am moving toward unreality. So I desire. So I forget to desire. Let me flee from myself. I need to be alone. I pull pieces from the viscous void. Spiritual vernacular is useful to describe that which is indescribable, yet there is is a falseness, a voodoo aspect in it that resembles religion. I am not afraid of my thoughts, of venturing into pure territory. Let me love something as much as people fall into ecstasy with religion and spirituality. I want to find something into which I can pour my energy and awe. Maybe I believe in the transcendency of man. I should aim never to misdirect my energy. I need guidance-- I have no conviction. With conviction, I can push further, can make transcendency realizable at least for myself. I can live as I had dreamed. Energy put into becoming adaptable is energy diverted from developing new ideas.
Sometimes I feel beauty with intuition, other times with knowledge. Girls play with the names they've been given, ...warped, reclaimed, sitting housed within carved out homes. Pressure begets community, creativity at times. Observing vs. growing through crossing over. I like the idea of demarcating life into journeys. Sometimes inspiration calls for new mediums; sometimes new mediums force inspiration.
Channel my love. Channel my strong feeling. Pieces of individual always fall away. One day I will share my vision. No slates, no labels.
Recently I've been experiencing fleeting moments of clarity. New realizations relished one moment and dispersed in the very next . My last one was about Kafka's idea that writing is really self-serving or something along those lines. In trying to find that particular quote, I found another one which encapsulates my overwhelming feelings at the moment: "I am free and that is why I am lost."
I told a close friend my truth regarding my attitude about the world around me. Saying the words aloud were surprising even to myself. I did not know the words had already been ironed out in my subconscious.
My truth being the inescapable, frustrating feeling of self-alienation. An alienation that breeds apathy and resigned acceptance of uncertainty. If I don't actively convince myself to choose life, I naturally wallow without grief. Before, I believe I had deluded myself with a hopefulness about human transcendence through creation, mutual cooperation, and kindness. I fought for this as if it were my religion. Yet I always secretly knew I was only trying to convince myself that those qualities were truth in order to more easily choose life.
I still fight for this hopeful truth because I believe it is a fight worth endeavoring even in its objective futility. I struggle just as a believer with her religion. Subjectively I would argue the fight is not futile; making this choice allows me to cope. My rationale is this: because living is the most I am capable of doing, I choose to live. My new philosophy is not so much a necessity as it is a choice. In my mind, for another more courageous aesthetic fool (like Raskolnikov), it could be a choice as arbitrary as any.
For me, as a human, I like to have hope. I enjoy the permutations of life: making acquaintances, reading stories, achieving feats of abstract thought. Experiencing the sadness of heartbreak, the pain of failure, the thrill of success. Physical pleasures. Mental pleasures. Spiritual pleasures. I absorb them wholeheartedly the moment I reaffirm my choice. I must pay the price for this reflection which I cannot un-imagine and so I never live as fully as someone who never contemplates that such a choice exists.
Attempting to find absolute truth is like attempting to prove the facts of a particular system are true using the facts of the system itself (Godel's Incompleteness Theorem). I accept the uncertainty of not knowing in the same manner that I accept the concept of zero.
These words spilled out from the starting point that if I were to be fully myself, I would never say a word to anyone. I would exist as an indifferent observer, each exchange playing out whether or not I am there to see it.
Reading The New Jim Crow has uncovered a disturbing truth that I have been blind to, or rather, ignorant of, until now. This awakening can be likened to my feelings post The Second Sex. I want to educate myself. Elevate my consciousness in order to live my life fully aware of the consequences. To keep in check my interactions with others, my consumerism, the direction I choose for my life, my words, actions, and art. To take action and speak out against injustices.
I rediscovered the joy of reading over winter break. Reading has consumed a lot of my free time but I'll try to document from time to time.
A conversation with a friend while she tripped acid was revelatory. She said to me what we might hope (and possibly already know) to be true deep down. At the core of every human is the desire to give and receive love... to understand one another. Interaction and communication is difficult and a lot of meaning gets fudged up in the process; nevertheless, our deepest nature to love exists and connects us if we let go of the mad charades we undergo to prove to ourselves our image of success. She seems to have experienced this knowledge but I could only try to feel it through her explanations. That her explanation resonated could prove she is right about our essential nature. Deep down, I already know this to be true.
My other friend has been trying to explain to me that he didn't believe competition is natural. I argued vehemently that it is, that evolution is the mechanism by which competition naturally sprang into existence. Now that two close people have told me their true feelings, maybe I am the one inclined to delusion. Maybe I'm the one whose thoughts are still clouded by, as my first friend calls it, the 'collective mythology'.
Believing that we cannot escape our tendency to compete with others is harmful because in so doing we subconsciously appropriate that tendency. Or maybe we use such a explanation to justify our selfish actions. Such a self-perpetuating cycle is a closed off one. It is almost impossible to break through to the minds and hearts of those blinded by the desire to prove their own success. Anyone who might pose a different view is weak, unable to thrive in an eat-or-be-eaten world and thus must resort to disguising their incompetence by claiming to take a higher moral ground. How easy it is to scoff any other explanation when one can say that the people serving alternative explanations have ulterior motives themselves! The competitive mindset is small yet clears every hurdle in its own shallow way.
Choosing to believe that greed is the immutable nature of humanity serves what purpose? To further the institutions which bring us further from our full potential? What are the point of actions not rooted in love?